


Over the (Moo)n

by quebaek (anonymousloris)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Aliens, Alternate Universe - Farm/Ranch, Cows, Crack, M/M, Probing, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 14:46:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13010049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymousloris/pseuds/quebaek
Summary: Farmer Chanyeol's cows keep disappearing. He thinks a wild animal is attacking them at night, so he decides to keep watch. Turns out the wild animal is a huge UFO piloted by a really misguided alien named Yixing that thought that cows were the most intelligent being on Earth.No wonder he wasn't managing to communicate with them.





	Over the (Moo)n

**Author's Note:**

> Gosh, man. I'm sorry. I wanted to do so so much more with this, but honestly, time held me back. I hope it's not so so bad. Big thanks to Candace who pushed me through this and the mods too~
> 
> Sorry for all the errors. I'm just going to use the guise of crack to cover those up.

Chanyeol wasn't exactly the greatest farmer. To be fair there was no real reason why he would be farming anyways, aside from the fact that he grew up here and didn't exactly have the motivation to move to the city. While the city lights were always tantalizing, he knew that a certain evil came with the temptation, and he figured that if he stayed out here then at least he could keep himself sane if only for a little bit.

It wasn't as if he was totally out on his own, either. There were lots of farms near him and he met up with some of their owners at the local bar on the weekend to drown his sorrows in jack and coke or whatever was on special that night.

But in general things always stayed the same. He did a mediocre job and brought in mediocre revenues. Enough to keep the place open and afford to keep up his lifestyle of being a social butterfly.

That was until strange things began to happen.

It all started a week ago when his radio went out one late night. He had been listening to his favorite comedy show and was winding down for bed when it turned to static. The noises morphed into some weird, almost like someone distantly speaking on a crossover channel, but not in a language he understood.

This went on for a couple of weeks peppered in by strange lights that would pop up late in the evenings when Chanyeol couldn't figure out how to sleep.

And then Sookja went missing.

Seeing as his farm was a majority dairy since it involved the least bloodshed and loss of sanity, he counted each of his cows in the evening. One evening the count came short.

"Come on, Toben." Chanyeol chided, rushing the dog along as they headed out to double check and make sure all of the cows got in for the evening.

He pulled out his phone, running down the list of all of them as he walked past. Each cow had a name and he called it out, lightly tapping his hand against the door to the stall as he did so. The only illumination on his were the few lights of the barn that covered the path in a bright orange glow.

"Jiwoo ... Somin ... Mina ... Sookja." He placed his hand on the wooden bar across Sookja's pen and looked into the nothingness, "Sookja?"

_Seriously, again?_

This wasn't the first time Sookja had wandered off. She was one of the older cows and had even been on the farm when Chanyeol inherited it. He had a little bit of affinity for her because of this and put up with the fact that she had struggled with the aging process. Getting lost or wandering off from the other cows was the norm for her.

"Alright, Toben, let's go look." Chanyeol motioned for Toben who quickly pattered along behind him as he went out into the field.

He clicked the flashlight on, scaring off a couple of fireflies that went skewing away to blink elsewhere as he searched the field for a terribly lost cow. Chanyeol resented these nights when he had to go searching for a lost animal because it usually ended in him losing out on sleep. He had fully intended to be asleep by 10 so he could get up by 5 and start the day on a good note, but Sookja had other plans.

However, after a seriously long time of searching, he ended up fairly far out in the field and had decided there was no way Sookja would have wandered out this far. He came to an open portion that led out close to the woods and sighed, feeling too exhausted to press forward.

"Okay, Toben. I suppose a wolf got her." Chanyeol admitted sadly, stretching his neck and motion to his companion, "Let's turn in for the night and we can search more tomorrow."

Toben did not want to budge though. He was staring at the woods, transfixed by the darkness beyond the trees. In fact, he was lowly growling at them.

"Toben, come on." Chanyeol reached down and picked the dog up, "There's nothing there to worry about."

This didn't seem to calm Toben in the least. He began barking at the trees as if they would turn and respond, but no such thing happened and it took several yards of Chanyeol consoling the dog to get him to hush up again.

He didn't sleep very soundly that night, either.

* * *

“Sookja’s missing?” Jongin asked as he entered Chanyeol’s farm house and kicked off his boots.

Chanyeol looked up from the bowl of soup he was sipping at and shrugged, “I guess so. Probably a wolf.”

While the farm Chanyeol ran was small, it wasn’t small enough that he didn’t need some helping hands. Namely, Jongin, his one and only farm hand that did the work of about three people in half the time. Normally after he’d done his duties, he would come in and bullshit with Chanyeol for a little while until he had something else to do. Secretly, it was Chanyeol’s favorite part of the day because he got to talk to somebody other than himself or his dog for a little while.

“Wolf?” Jongin slumped into the armchair near Chanyeol’s TV. The one that was always on, but he was never quite sure _what_ was on it. “Haven’t had wolves in years. Are you gonna call somebody?”

Chanyeol shook his head, “Not worth it. I don’t even know if it is a wolf really.”

Jongin glanced at him from the armchair, his tan skin almost swallowed by the cushioning, “What do you mean? No tracks or blood?”

“Literally nothing.” Chanyeol dropped his spoon in the now empty bowl and picked up a napkin to dab off the remaining noodle bits, “Maybe I should look again.”

“Or …” Jongin shifted so he was hanging over the arm of the chair on his stomach and holding out his hands. “You set up a sting like in the cop movies. A stakeout. Go undercover.”

“Undercover?” Chanyeol leaned back in his chair. “As what? A hay bale?”

“Better.” Jongin pointed at him. “A cow.”

“Undercover … as a cow.” Chanyeol repeated.

“It’s foolproof.” Jongin rolled back into the chair, satisfied with his ridiculous plot.

“I think you’re forgetting the ability of a fool.” Chanyeol rolled his eyes.

* * *

He did end up staking out, however, not dressed as a cow like Jongin had suggested so eagerly. That was definitely not something Chanyeol was interested in, but the way his night was about to go, it wouldn’t have been the strangest thing to occur.

Instead, he took his rifle out and was sitting in a hay bale field with it. He had made his way out to where Sookja had been grazing the day she went missing, the far corner of the pen and set up shop. It had been a couple hours since sunset and only the lantern and dull hum of the radio shows kept his mind busy.

It didn’t seem to be enough though as he drifted off into an easy slumber at some point during his stakeout, the rifle still resting in his arms. It wasn’t until a foreign and low pitched sound started to buzz that he woke up. 

When he did, he saw something peculiar in the distance, a series of bright green lights just at the edge of the pasture where the tree line began. His first thought being that some kids had driven vehicles up here. That was certainly not going to fly with him.

He snatched up the rifle and lantern and hopped off the hay bale. With a twist, the radio went silent and he headed towards the lights in the distance. They were actually far closer than they appeared because when he got to the fence, they seemed way larger and at angles as if on a larger object.

His curiosity propelled him to hop over the fence. When he was officially out of the pen, he shut the lantern off and propped it on a fence post, hoping to stay undetected for as long as possible. Conflict was not in his nature at all. Especially not when he had to be up in a few hours anyways.

He stalked closer, hearing the the long, low hum grow even louder. Something in his head told him that this was not at all what he bargained for, but his feet pressed forward, one at a time crushing the grass beneath it as he crossed the fields.

Whatever it was, it was huge. The size of a small farm house or one of the big pieces of machinery they used on the nicer farms. But it wasn’t a vehicle and it wasn’t an animal. It wasn’t anything he had ever seen before.

The lights were laying on a dark sleek object, so dark that he could barely understand the shape of it, intentionally reflecting its surroundings to stay ominous as it loomed over him. He kept his rifle cocked and pointed forward, steadily creeping towards the end of the line where the land met the unknown.

When he came face to face with it, he saw his own reflection underneath one of the giant green lights. It scared him a little to think that he had no idea what this was. If it was from the city he’d have no idea. He rarely ever goes there and even if he did there would be no reason for it to be here. That thought was swallowed as he reached out and placed his palm against it.

_WHOM_

There was instant feedback and electricity against his fingertips.

He yanked his hand back and took a couple of steps away, his rifle snapping to his eyeline as he stared back at the structure. It made a couple of ticking noises then a long hiss like steam being pushed out of a tiny hole. As it did this, a little line of light became visible, growing longer into a rectangle, then a square, like somebody pulling a piece of paper across a projector’s light.

The noises stopped when it became another longer rectangle, emitting a bright white light that illuminated Chanyeol’s features and shielded him from seeing what laid behind it.

“What on earth is this?” Chanyeol breathed.

Nothing else happened as he looked around him and lowered his rifle. He relaxed a bit, staring at the white entryway and sighing.

He was going to hate himself for this, wasn’t he?

He continued forward and into light.

* * *

Everything inside was bright and reflective. Hallways and corridors made entirely of white and chrome. He tiptoed, rifle still at his side as he did so. There were garbled noises and blinking lights, alien languages, and generally things that made him want to turn around and call the police. If they weren’t an hour away, that is.

He turned into a large room then, letting out a cry, “Sookja?!”

The cow perked up from the platform it was standing on then, tilting its head as he called its name.

“Sookja.” A voice from behind him repeated.

He spun around then, aiming his rifle right at the sound, but seeing nothing there. “Who are you? Who’s there? Why do you have my cow?”

“Sookja. Does this belong to you?” The voice asked again.

“What the-” Chanyeol spun around, looking for the source of the omnipresent voice. “Sookja? Sookja is a cow. She belongs to me. Who are you?”

“She belongs to you.” The voice sighed, “This language is quite confusing I must confess. What are you exactly?”

“What-What am I?” Chanyeol yelled, “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m a … person? I guess. A human. I just want my cow, man.” He lowered his rifle. “See, look, no harm.”

“Human.” The voice said quizzically. “Like this?”

Chanyeol turned to see a Chinese man standing against the wall suddenly. He was dressed exactly like him, but looked … nothing like him. He had dark black hair and sharp features.

He spoke with a soft voice, “Oh, I didn’t get it right. Is this not what humans look like?”

“Humans look like …” Chanyeol gaped at the guy. “Are you high? If you aren’t a human what are you? Where did you come from? Am I getting punk’d?”

“I’m a Draxie.” The guy explained, “But you can call me Yixing. I’m here to study Earth and its higher life forms like Sookja.”

Chanyeol shook his head, “What? You’re an … alien?”

“Are all creatures like you this slow?” Yixing pushed himself off the wall and walked over to the platform where a terminal sat. “Yes. I’m not from here. I’ve come to study your planet. Do you belong to Sookja? Does she only speak to her servants?”

Chanyeol laughed, “Okay, okay …” He walked over to the guy slowly. “Listen … Yixing. Sookja is just a cow, alright? She doesn’t speak to anybody. I bought her a couple years ago. So if I could just get her back …”

“So you own her?” He gave Chanyeol an incredibly judgemental look. “You hardly look like the most intelligent life form. At least not one meant to last.”

“What?” Chanyeol let out a scoff. “Listen. This _life form_ has to get up in the morning to run his dairy farm so if I could get my cow back then I’ll just go on my way.”

“What, pray tell … is a dairy farm?” He asked, turning eye contact away.

A robotic voice answered for him, “A dairy farm is a type of ranch earthlings use to obtain milk from cows.”

Chanyeol jumped, looking around for the source of this new presence.

“Thanks, Freya.” Yixing nodded, tapping a few more things on his terminal while Chanyeol frantically searched. “Actually, Can you search this … human’s brain for milk. Maybe he can help.”

“Search my brain?” Chanyeol spat. “What?”

“Search …” The robotic voice said, “I found something. Playing now.”

Just then, a percussive beat began to play overhead from speakers Chanyeol also struggled to find the location of. Immediately starting with “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like …”

Yixing gave another look to Chanyeol, even more judgemental if that’s even possible. “What is this?”

“What do you mean? You don’t know this song?” Chanyeol let his shoulders down. “Oh my god, maybe you are an alien. I’m dreaming. I’m gonna wake up soon, right?”

“Why didn’t you believe I was an alien?” Yixing frowned. “I don’t think I’ve given you a reason to distrust me.”

“You literally stole my cow, man.” Chanyeol shut his eyes tightly for a second, opening them up to Yixing still typing away. “Just give me my milk cow, okay?”

“So the milk comes from the cow. That explains the liquid.” He turned to Chanyeol, “Do you do the same?”

Yixing reached out towards Chanyeol’s chest for his nipples, but that was definitely not going to fly with him. He quickly strafed away from Yixing and brought the gun back up to point at him.

“Don’t touch me.” Chanyeol said shakily. “I’ll shoot.”

The other guy’s eyebrows went up, “You have weapons too? Freya.”

“It’s a rifle. Capable of penetrating your hide and perhaps even the hull of the ship.” She responded.

“Yeah, that’s right.” Chanyeol asserted, hoping that the guy would buy his tough bluff. “So give me the cow and nobody gets hurt.”

It looked as if the alien was genuinely considering his options here, but didn’t seem too uncomfortable under the threat of the gun. He turned back to his console and tapped away a few more times before a gentle _ding_ resounded.

“Patient holding beam released.” Freya stated.

Yixing turned back to Chanyeol, “Alright, humanoid. Take your cow then.”

Chanyeol side stepped around him, keeping the gun aimed at him the whole time with his frantically shaking hands. Eventually he made it to the platform and took his eyes off of Yixing so he could step up on it and grab the cow.

“Freya initiate Subject Control Procedure.” Yixing stated.

Everything went dark.

* * *

Chanyeol bolted upright.

Golden light was streaming in through his window. It landed on the floors of his room in his farmhouse. He was sitting in his bed. He was breathing very heavily.

His alarm was ringing.

He reached over and clapped his hand over it, shutting the accursed noise maker off for the time being. The only sounds it left were the gentle crow of a rooster and Toben making protests at the foot of his bed.

Otherwise everything seemed in place. His rifle was leaning against the wall and everything was as he left it before he went out the night before. Toben barked a few times at him.

“Ack.” Chanyeol reached over and pet the distressed animal, “Sorry, buddy. Bad dream.”

* * *

He had gotten dressed in a daze, feeling very out of place and very very put off. Everything from his dream was crystal clear to him. Like it had actually really happened to him. In fact, it was almost impossible to shake the feeling that maybe these things hadn’t happened to him.

Once he was in his usual work gear he opened the door and headed down the stairs to the rest of his farm house. He paused at the bottom of the stairs, realizing that for perhaps the first time ever his TV was off.

He slowly finished the last step, careful to make no noise as his boot touched the floor. Gingerly, he rounded off the stairs and headed towards the kitchen, which was obscured a bit by one wall keeping the bathroom closed off from the rest of the house. He took calculated steps, noticing that someone was sitting at his kitchen table.

“Jongin?” Chanyeol called out.

“Negative.” Yixing responded, standing up from the kitchen table to get a view of Chanyeol’s face. “But once you finish looking for him, I have some questions about this coffee substance.”

* * *

The day went by in an excruciatingly slow manner. Nothing about Yixing was rushed. And the way that he managed to ask about _every single thing_ Chanyeol did or even looked like he was thinking about doing … was enough to drive a person insane.

“Why can’t they feed themselves?” Yixing asked.

“They’re animals, Yixing.” Chanyeol rolled his eyes.

“Unfortunate.”

And the day rolled past. Chanyeol went out to make haybales, thoroughly encapsulating Yixing’s short little attention span by explaining how haybales are made exactly. He found every part of the farm fascinating, btu quickly burned through it.

It seemed he no longer had an interest in many things outside of trying to communicate with those dumb cows. They just tilted their heads at him in pure unconcern, and Yixing stare them down in hopes of getting a rise.

“I just really can’t believe these aren’t the dominant species.” Yixing noted, “They’re so perfect for it.”

Chanyeol rolled his eyes, filling a slop bucket a couple of feet in the other direction.

“They’re literally the dumbest animals ever.” Chanyeol said, tossing the bucket aside and slapping his hands to get the grime off of them.

“Sookja, does that upset you?” Yixing asked, eyes pinned to the cow as she slowly chewed.

Another eyeroll. Eventually they were going to roll out of Chanyeol’s head if he kept this up. That would actually be an optimal situation.

While Yixing continued to speak to Sookja in a slow and soothing voice, eyes wide with wonder as she continued to chew as if nothing in the world could bother her, Chanyeol made his way to the other side of the barn to see Jongin slide out from under his truck parked just inside.

“Yeah, this thing is a piece of shit.” Jongin stated with that goddamn charming smile.

He wiped a little grease off of his face with a rag before tossing it over his shoulder. Chanyeol let out a huff. The idea that his stupid truck was starting to go didn’t appeal to him whatsoever. Cars were expensive. And if Jongin couldn’t fix it, then he was fairly certain the mechanics in the city would charge and arm and a leg to say the same things he was.

“Thanks.” Chanyeol grumbled, “Still running though, so we’ll see.”

Jongin unscrewed the cap to a water bottle, guzzling half of it down in the time it took Chanyeol to say those two sentences. The rest would surely be gone within the next few minutes anyways. They went through water like canals on the farm.

“Your friend is weird as fuck.” Jongin commented, glancing down the way to where Yixing now had his hands hooked on the bars of enclosure to get a closer look.

Chanyeol was quick to react, “He’s not my friend.”

Jongin raised an eyebrow, “So who is he then?”

“He’s …” Fuck. “Cousin. Visiting from the city. You know how they are.”

“Cousins?” Jongin looked back at Chanyeol, “Or people from the city?”

Chanyeol sent a look over his shoulder, “Both?”

Just then, something caught their attention.

Jongin and Chanyeol both turned to see a cow walking past them. Strolling actually, unhurried and carefree as it roamed. Like, outside of the gate it was supposed to be in at this time of day. Just … walking around. Not being herded towards the field or anything. Just.

Another one.

“You’re kidding me.” Chanyeol hissed.

They both looked to see the gate standing wide open and all of the cows beginning to meander out in different directions, a couple already outside of the barn. And of course, standing among the pack of slowly roving bovines was none of than his friendly cousin Yixing.

“What the-” Jongin didn’t get to finish his sentence before Chanyeol cut in.

“Herd the cows back in here, I’ll go down there.”

He was off in a flash, basically hurdling over a few livestock on his way to Yixing.

“What on earth are you doing???” Chanyeol yelled, speeding past Yixing to assess the damage.

Only three cows outside. It wouldn’t take too long to gather them up.

“They said they wanted to.” Yixing shrugged, “They needed out so I let them.”

“Fucking-” Chanyeol growled, “You do not speak cow, alright? Now stand right fucking there and I will deal with you as soon as I’ve fixed this mess.”

* * *

“Don’t be weird.” Chanyeol held up a finger to Yixing, his hand already pressing the door to the little local bar open, “I swear to god I’ll personally send your ass back to space if you embarrass me.”

Yixing seemed unperturbed by the finger being pointed at his chest suddenly. He raised both eyebrows at Chanyeol quizzically instead, “Do humans really care this much about what other humans think of them? Interesting.”

“It’s not interest-” Chanyeol shook his head, “Listen. Just be cool. Okay? It’ll be a good experience. Bars are like … _the_ human experience, man.”

That seemed to excite Yixing who clapped his hands together, “Yes! Perfect! I’m ready to get the real and full human experience.”

“Perfect. Just don’t say human experience.” He pushed the door open further, stepping one foot in before he turned back to Yixing, “Actually, don’t speak in general if you can help it.”

The alien shrugged, following silently as Chanyeol entered the bar. There weren’t many people in there. The bartender, Baekhyun was wiping down the lacquered wood bar as some gentle country tune buzzed from the speakers over his head. He hated the music, but everybody who attended the bar seemed to like it. Maybe later on once everybody’s liquored up, Baekhyun will put on some of his jazzier tunes.

There’s Sehun and Junmyeon, chatting with their feet up on one side of the bar. A couple of older men are shooting pool in the smokier area of the bar, and then a familiar face was at the bar as well.

“It’s Jongin.” Yixing stated.

“Yes, I know that.” Chanyeol sighed.

He started off, nodding towards Baekhyun who nabbed a glass and started to fill it. By the time Chanyeol made it to the bar, the pint was already full and foaming, situated on a little napkin by Chanyeol’s fingers.

“Thanks, Baek.” Chanyeol tilted his hat and slid onto the bar stool.

Yixing however, stayed standing with a look of confusion on his face, “Why don’t we sit with Jongin? If humans desire a sense of belonging and he is-”

“Aw, Yixing.” Chanyeol laughed, sending an awkward glance to Baekhyun who was mid way through drying off a glass when he heard Yixing, “Always the jokester buddy. Take a seat, man.”

That was met with yet another weird look, but Yixing conceded, intent on getting the full human experience even if it didn’t really make sense to him. He looked to Baekhyun, then back to Chanyeol, obviously expecting some sort of explanation, but Chanyeol didn’t get the chance.

“What about you?” Baekhyun asked, “You look like a martini guy. No offense.”

“Am I offended?” Yixing whispered to Chanyeol.

The awkwardly forced and uncomfortable smile was plastered on Chanyeol’s face still as he answered, “Just get him beer. Something light, I don’t care.”

Baekhyun looked between him and Yixing for a moment before shrugging, “Anything for you, Yeolio.”

With a wink, Baekhyun disappeared to another set of taps, pouring out a pint for Yixing as well, but with a little more extra care. Chanyeol didn’t mind a bit of foam and normally he and Baekhyun would bullshit while he wasted it away so there was no need to get a perfect pint.

“Please explain why we can’t sit with Jongin. I like him.” Yixing pointed a look at Chanyeol.

Chanyeol sighed, “Look over there. Do you see who he’s next to?”

“Hmm …” Yixing fixed his eyesight on the pair across the bar, “It seems he is with a human who is female.”

“Yeah. So.” Chanyeol left the sentence as is. There was no need to explain.

“I’m confused.”

“Oh my fuck.” Chanyeol rasped, putting his head down on the bar, “I just want to drink.”

Baekhyun appeared again, this time sliding a pint in front of Yixing and pushing it forward, “Better get to it then, bud.”

Chanyeol lifted his head up off the counter, Baekhyun’s smiling face managing to bring him back from whatever nightmare situation going to a bar with a fully dysfunctional alien. He took Baekhyun’s advice, drinking deeply from the pint and then putting it back down on the counter.  
“What’s the goss?” Baekhyun raised an eyebrow, reaching for another glass to start cleaning. It was a seemingly endless supply of spotless looking glasses that he would run a rag over. But it made him look cool and bartender-y so Chanyeol never says anything.

Chanyeol snickered, “Nothing besides Jongin’s friend over there.”

“Oh, Soojung?” Baekhyun glanced over, “Apparently they went to the same high school just two years apart. I give him like an 80% chance on it.”

Chanyeol watched her lean in, toying with a couple of pieces of her hair and laughing whenever he smiled. Jongin’s usually only funny because of how clueless he was, so there was literally no need for her to be laughing that much. But, suffice to say, he has a beautiful smile.

“Yeah, dude’s charming as shit.” Chanyeol took another drink, “Dumber than a fence post, but charming.”

“An 80% chance of what?” Yixing asked, eyes full of ignorance.

Baekhyun chuckled, “Where did you find this guy?”

“He’s my cousin from the city.” Chanyeol lied, lowering his voice and leaning in to Baekhyun, “Also dumber than fence post.”

“Damn.” Baekhyun whispered back, “You’re giving fence posts a lot of credit tonight, bro.”

Just then there was a smash and a shattering of glass. Baekhyun didn’t jump or spin around, just sighed, his shoulders slumping and eyes nearly rolling up into the back of his skull. Yixing and Chanyeol both jumped an inch off their stools, glancing around to find the location of the noise.

“I swear to the v-card holding mother of Jesus, Sehun, if I turn around and you’ve broken _another_ one of my glasses, I’ll call Kyungsoo and-”

Chanyeol diverted his attention to Sehun who stood directly up in his chair and pointed an accusatory finger at his partner in crime, “Junmyeon did it!”

Baekhyun took in a deep, deep breath. Then let it out and gave an apologetic smile to Chanyeol, “If you fellas would excuse me.”

Chanyeol tipped his hat like a cowboy again, and Baekhyun turned on his heels, blazing a path of wrath and smoke on his way over to the corner where the town’s most notorious drinkers were now arguing amongst themselves.

For a couple of moments, Chanyeol revelled in the silence that followed. Aside from the fact that he knew one of the three people in the corner of the bar had a handful of somebody else’s hair judging by the volume of their conversation, Chanyeol was at least safe from the constant bustle that today has been.

Sometimes nightmares feel like that, though. Like they take days or weeks. Only because it’s actually in segments and the gaps are assumed by the brain. Kind of like a story written in scenes.

So he just had to get to the waking up part, right?

“So what’s 80%?”

Great. There goes the silence.

He sighed, adjusting his hat once more and looking over at the bar, “Alright. I’m gonna learn you a thing.”

Yixing furrowed his eyebrows, counting the syntax in that sentence and trying to make sense of it.

Chanyeol didn’t wait for the foreigner to catch up, “So … Humans procreate, right?”

“I would hope so. Since you have to die.” Yixing nodded.

“... Alright. Well.” Chanyeol’s expression remained blank, “Procreation is pretty lit, right? It feels really good. Especially for dudes. So, sometimes humans do it just for fun.”

That stumped Yixing. “For fun? You create offspring for fun? That sounds terribly expensive and time consuming.”

“Wait, no.” Chanyeol shook his head, “You don’t make offspring. There’s an entire system in place for that.”

“How?”

So. Chanyeol is now faced with the situation in which he needed to explain birth control to a person who only has a basic understanding of how sexual intercourse between humans worked. Assumedly, since Yixing seems to know quite a bit about biology just not, literally everything else.

“Well …” Chanyeol started, “So like … you know the part that uh, goes in the other part?”

“The penis and the vagina.” Yixing stated.

Chanyeol slapped a hand over Yixing’s mouth, “Yo keep it low, man. Okay so yeah, sure let’s go with that well. The … sperm comes out of the first one and uh … goes into second one. So we wear little uh latex things over it to keep it from getting up there.”

Yixing stared at Chanyeol for a second.

“That sounds wildly ineffective”

“It is, Jongin’s had three pregnancy scares.”

“Isn’t there a better way?”

Chanyeol shrugged, finishing up his beer. “Being gay.”

“Ahh …” Yixing nodded knowingly, taking the beer he was given in his hand and leaning back, mirroring the stance than Jongin was pulling on the other side of the bar. “Homosexuality yes. The downfall of having genders and sexes. You have sexuality as well.”

Chanyeol sighed, “I need a shot.”

“What’s a shot?” Yixing asked.

“Not telling you.” Chanyeol shook his head, trying his best to wave down Baekhyun who had effectively torn Sehun’s shirt from his body in the process.

“Fine.” Yixing shrugged, tapping his earpiece that he connected his computer’s AI to, “Freya. Search for shots.”

“Bartender!” Chanyeol called, waving his hand frantically to try and acquire alcohol.

Eventually, after Baekhyun pole vaulted over the bar to prove that there were in fact shards of glass on the other side incriminating Sehun’s breaking of a glass. To which Junmyeon said “I told you you can’t kick it under the bar.” Chanyeol gave up on trying to get Baekhyun’s attention. 

“You’re getting a vaccination?” Yixing asked.

“Oh my god.” Chanyeol put his head down on the bar again.

Yixing shrugged, mirroring Jongin closely as he sat back in his stool, watching the chaos unfold in the little town’s bar. Jongin picked up his mug and took a sip, so Yixing did the same.

He then immediately spat it back out on the countertop, getting a little on Chanyeol’s face from the splashback and causing him to bolt back upright in his chair.

Yixing glared over at Chanyeol, “You’re trying to poison me?!”

Chanyeol took his hat off and wiped his forehead, “Check please. Someone?”

* * *

Well, it turned out Baekhyun was right after all.

Yixing liked martinis.

So after letting him try every martini on the menu, yes _every_ martini, he seems less than perturbed. Maybe even as a shapeshifter in a human body, he had managed to shake out the tricks to having a high alcohol tolerance, or maybe Baekhyun really does water down the vodka, but Chanyeol's actually a bit more stunted than Yixing at this point.

"Okay, well, make sure he gets home in one piece." Baekhyun chuckled, bent over the counter and catching a massive stink-eye from Chanyeol.

"I'm fine." Chanyeol grumbled.

The truth of the matter was that Chanyeol was probably in a sober enough state to get himself home in one piece, and maybe only a notch or two above where Yixing was on the tipsy-meter. But the fact that if he were to continue this, he would be drank under the table by a fucking alien dude that thought cows were the dominant species. That hurt his pride just a touch.

"We go home now?" Yixing inquired, stepping off the stole and looking to his companion expectantly.

"Yeah ..." Chanyeol dragged himself off his stool and strolled to the exit, "Bars close, Yixing."

"Oh." Yixing nodded.

So they left together, getting into Chanyeol's truck and starting it up with a series of clunks and whirs. It was an old piece of shit truck, but really what could Chanyeol do. He always told himself he would get a new one someday, but like with most things he never really got around to actualizing that dream.

"I could fix this truck for you." Yixing offered, "I have a lot of parts far better suited for vehicles than earthling ones."

"It's fine," Chanyeol threw the car into gear with an eyeroll.

But his fingers slipped on the steering wheel as he pulled out, causing him to pull back at an angle before he slammed the brakes.

"Shit." He sighed, running his hands down his face, "I'm just tired."

"Hmmm ..." Yixing looked him up and down, "Freya can drive if you want. Does intoxication impair your ability to drive?"

"I'm not ..." He huffed, "I'm not intoxicated. It's fine. I'm not letting a spaceshift remote access my truck, okay? I'm not getting kidnapped and probed tonight."

"She's a very good driver." Yixing assured him, "The best. I programmed her myself."

"Fine!" Chanyeol threw his arms up, "Okay. Whatever. Just-"

He stopped, seeing a look on Yixing's face that halted things. He looked a little hurt. Which was odd, Chanyeol had spent the whole day being generally pissed off at Yixing, trying to ignore him or shut him down whenever he did something at all. Yixing had not once responded with anything other than confusion and curiosity. Though he seemed mischievous, impulsive, and pushy at best ... there was innocence in it. Maybe not that, but ignorance. He didn't know anything about this planet and was simply determined to learn.

Fuck, he had been an asshole, hadn't he?

"Yixing ..." Chanyeol said softly.

"Yes?" Yixing's eyes flicked up.

"Drive us home, okay?"

Yixing nodded, and with a tap of his earpiece, the car began to move, the wheel and gears shifting absent of a human touch. They began to move the car out onto the road, and take both of them safely back to where they needed to be.

* * *

"Hey," Chanyeol laughed, stepping out of his car, and pulling his old, brown, and slightly baggy jacket tight against the night air, "You didn't kidnap me."

"Of course not." Yixing laughed, stepping out as well and walking towards the house, careful to watch Chanyeol as he followed, "I still don't understand why you would think that."

"Well for one," Chanyeol pushed the door to the farmhouse open. He rarely locked it anymore. "You did transport me to my room while I was unconscious last night. But also that's like how it happens in the movies, you know?"

Yixing pushed the door aside, watching Chanyeol shrug off his jacket and boots with rapt attention. Neither of them bothered to get the lights and Chanyeol was uncertain of where Yixing would go, but he figured it didn't matter much. The little touch of a buzz in Chanyeol's system really just wanted him to go brush his teeth right then.

"I don't know." Yixing admitted, following Chanyeol up the stairs.

Chanyeol entered his bedroom, making a beeline for the bathroom in a do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-$200 sort of way. Once he got to the sink, he turned on the faucet, barely paying any mind to Yixing who was still standing in the doorway, absently touching things and staring at objects as he had been all day.

"It's like ..." Chanyeol scrunched up his face, putting toothpaste on the toothbrush with expert care, "Aliens come in their saucers and abduct you. Then they do some freaky probing shit and inject you and then they smack you back down in your bed and leave."

He shoved the toothbrush in his mouth, not so expertly scrubbing off all of the liquor and beer and stupid ridiculousness this day had brought. It tasted minty and sweet even against a slightly number tongue than he expected. Maybe he was beyond buzzed, but not quite to drunk.

Jongin always said it goes:

1\. Buzzed  
2\. Tipsy  
3\. Floor Drunk like "I just want to lay here and giggle drunk"  
4\. Properly drunk  
5\. Wasted/Trashed  
6\. Nauseous  
7\. Lights Out

So on that scale Chanyeol was certainly a 2.5 or a 2.6.

"Probing." Yixing muttered to himself, "I wonder why they would do that."

Chanyeol spit out into the sink and wiped his mouth with a washcloth, actively avoiding his own reflection in the process. That was a Chanyeol he did not want to see right now. Instead he looked at Yixing in the mirror who was smiling at something.

It was kind of cool, Chanyeol realized. At least in retrospect. He had spent all day being an asshole, but this guy just really had so much wonder and interest in everything. It was endearing, and somewhat exciting.

"To see what's up there." Chanyeol joked, turning to face Yixing, "Or probably some closeted gay dude was repressing his feelings into fears when he made that one up, who knows?"

Yixing raised his eyebrows, setting down whatever was in his hands, "Ah yes. Sexuality. I've been meaning to ask about that."

Chanyeol chuckled, pushing past Yixing to get into the bedroom and unbuttoning his plaid shirt, "I'm gay, yes."

"Oh," Yixing's eyes followed him, "I was just going to ask if the courting process is the same for you as Jongin."

Chanyeol tossed the shirt somewhere into the room, being messy as usual. Those dutifully observing eyes of Yixing trailed up his forearms until the skin ended at the cuff of his white undershirt.

"Jongin's much better at it than I am." Chanyeol smiled, reaching out for the lightswitch, but again deciding against it. There was still light coming in through the bathroom doorway, and he was too tired. He collapsed onto the bed and spoke into the bedsheets, "Well he can normally assume chicks are straight. They aren't always, but like it's safe to openly flirt. And like, he doesn't have to have exclusively anal sex, you know?"

"Ah, probing yes?" Yixing walked over to the bed, looking at Chanyeol with what could potentially be a coy smile.

"No that's ..." Chanyeol picked his head up off the covers, "I mean, I guess actually it is the same thing, but the probing is fun this way and not invasive, you feel?"

"I don't." Yixing said succinctly, "I don't understand why humans enjoy procreation that fails to procreate."

Chanyeol rolled onto his back, giving the best _bitch, the fuck_ look he could manage to Yixing, "If you learn anything about humans, it's that we fucking love sex. I'm almost certain wars were fought and ended over sex. It's awesome."

Yixing shrugged.

"No, seriously." Chanyeol shook his head, "I'm a lonely, horny, drunk, but mildly attractive dude. I think I'd know what I'm talking about. It's a thing you just gotta do to get, you know?"

"Sounds like the courting process is far too long and involved for my tastes. Not enough time here anyways." Yixing held up a hand, "However, I am human enough to know you're lying to me."

Chanyeol's bitch face got even stronger, his voice rocketing an octave when he defended himself, "About what?"

"You are far more than mildly attractive."

Chanyeol narrowed his eyes at Yixing. Slowly, he sat up, swinging his legs off the bed so that he was facing Yixing, looking up at his sharp features and dark eyes, reflecting the light from the window and bathroom in odd directions. He looked at him for just a second longer before sighing.

"Alright." Chanyeol gestured lazily, "Pants off."

Yixing opened his mouth, not saying anything for a second as he contemplated what had just been requested of him. "Pardon?"

"Dude," Chanyeol said, "I'm gonna suck you off. Show you what the hype is about. Don't make it weird."

"What does that mean?" Yixing furrowed his brow.

"Take your fucking pants off."

Yixing shushed him by complying, undoing his belt and dropping his pants. Chanyeol leaned forward off the bed, putting what was probably a super sloppy kiss on the skin between Yixing's shirt and boxer waistband.

Did he actively choose what clothes he would have in human form? Is there an equivalent to boxers vs. brief in his alien colony. Damn, maybe Chanyeol should have been asking him questions all day.

"So how does this ah ..." Yixing trailed off, nervousness evident in his voice for the first time since arriving there, "Is there a protocol?"

"Yeah." Chanyeol said to his waist, tugging on the boxers, "You do shit until something gets you off."

"How do you know uh-" Yixing stuttered when Chanyeol's hand grazed up his thigh and to the ultimate destination, a place that Yixing surely didn't assume was the ultimate destination, but most certainly was. "Okay, so that's like ... Do I-Is it different for everyone?"

"Fuck." Chanyeol groaned, "Yeah. Some people like different things. You missed the whole high school hook up phase where you experimented so don't feel too bad."

Chanyeol cringed inwardly, remembering one specific encounter in a club bathroom with Kim Minseok. But then he remembered how that man had a beautiful body, and it suddenly melted away the awkwardness that came with the memory. And he could continue with his grade-a fondling, getting Yixing harder by the second.

"Is that good?" Yixing asked, his words a bit weak, "I'm-"

When Chanyeol took him in his mouth, he _must_ have gotten some sort of answer. Dude was an alien, but a human body is a human body. Not hard to play like a harp. Or maybe something a little bit easier to play than the harp, that sounded like it would take years of practice. Maybe a violin? No, no, real simple.

Okay, Chanyeol didn't find it hard to play the human body like a ukulele.

Metaphors, evidently, not his best trait in comparison.

Yixing reached forward instinctively, grabbing Chanyeol's hair. At first it was a little bit of a tight grip and Chanyeol groaned against it, taking Yixing deeper with the sensation. That must have been misinterpreted, however, since Yixing loosened his grip immediately, apologizing in a squeaky voice above him.

"Sorry."

Chanyeol pulled off him with a little pop of suction, "No, do it. I'm cool."

Yixing's fingers responded easily, curling into Chanyeol's hair again when he resumed his work. There was nowhere in Chanyeol's mind that he thought twice about it, taking Yixing with ease and doing his darndest to give him the best fucking blowjob Chanyeol could muster. If he's only getting to experience human sex the once then he's certainly going to get a ride.

You know, for science.

An actual, full moan left Yixing's mouth then, the stillness of the air disrupted as he did so. If Chanyeol hadn't been halfway down him at the time, he would have totally smiled. It was super cute.

"Do I ..." Yixing sighed when Chanyeol flicked his tongue, "Do I say something to you? Should I compliment you? It's ahhh-"

Yixing moaning was absolutely enough of a scale of how well he was doing, but Chanyeol being basically a certified teacher of all things Human at this point, was inclined to give him a go through on the process. Plus, he had no idea how Yixing's endurance is. He could be essentially on the level of a fumbling teenager right now.

"Alright." Chanyeol pulled off, sitting back so Yixing would let his hands off his hair, "Yeah people talk during sex. Kinda three ways you can go. Real basic like just saying names and shit. Or you can compliment? I think there's a word for it, but like telling them how good they are and all that." Chanyeol shrugged, "Or you get dirty talk."

"Why ..." Yixing seemed a little fucked out at the moment, recuperating quickly though, "What's dirty about it?"

"It's either extremely blunt," Chanyeol pursed his lips before continued, "Or kinda mean."

"Mean?" Yixing seemed surprised, "Why would I be mean to you?"

Chanyeol rolled his eyes, "Who said you're being mean to me?"

"Ah I didn't ..." Yixing looked embarrassed, biting back words, "Are there roles and boundaries?"

Whoa, this was seriously intercourse 101. Just, with an alien. That's like, super super hot as a human. Fuck that.

"Now that's some really kinky stuff." Chanyeol joked, entirely at Yixing's expense, "No, but somebody has to fuck somebody. And a lot of times the person doing the fucking is all dominant and shit."

Chanyeol was still tipsy, that's right.

"That sounds constraining." Yixing noted, a slight blush on his face now.

"Yeah exactly. It's so stupid." Chanyeol scooted over on the bed, the thought of how aroused he was from the activity drawing him closer to the stuff he kept in his bedside table, "I mean really you can do whatever you want. Fuck the rules."

He almost hated himself for the fact that his lube bottle was almost entirely full at that point in time. And that his condom box was unopened. Why was he like this? He sighed, doing the dirty deed of opening the box and taking one out, along with the lube.

"So." He wanted to giggle, "Lube to make everything slide and not ... hurt. Condom so that diseases don't happen. Though seeing as you made your fine ass this morning, probably not a concern, but still."

Yixing took it upon himself to finally stop standing there looking like an idiot and get on the bed, admiring the bed stand goodies. You know, scientifically and all that jazz. He was generally intrigued, taking the stuff into his hands and making Chanyeol laugh a little when he did.

"So I put this on ...?" Yixing twisted the little packet in his fingers.

"If you're trying to fuck me any time soon." Chanyeol chuckled.

"Am I?" Yixing looked up.

"Holy fuck, yeah you are. Put it on." Chanyeol got himself up off the bed, undoing his belt and shucking his jeans off fairly quickly.

Yixing however, was literally perplexed by the condom. He obviously felt the rushed urgency that came with arousal because he was trembling a bit, his tongue caught between his teeth as he focused all his energy on getting it open. And once he did, he was even more flustered, not understanding the little ring at all.

"Dude." Chanyeol stated, returning with all of the necessary garments removed to save the day, "It's not rocket science."

"Obviously!" Yixing defended, "Rocket science I can do."

"Shut up." Chanyeol grunted, snatching the condom off of him and positioning at Yixing's tip.

"Is this dirty talk?" Yixing shut his eyes, "I'm so confused."

"I swear it'll be pretty rudimentary once we get into it." Chanyeol assured.

He, with as much precision as he could, rolled the condom onto Yixing, pressing down and using his fingers to finish the job. It took no time at all, and Yixing seemed to be floored at the activity.

"That's fairly innovative." Yixing noted.

"Is it?" Chanyeol grabbed the lube and squirted some onto his fingers.

"Yes. It's simple yet effective. Are you certain these cause those pregnancy scares?" Yixing watched him again with rapt attention for the second time that night.

Chanyeol laid back, reaching between his legs and realizing that he was not only hard as a rock, but probably quite a sight to see for said alien looking stunned as deer in the headlights beyond him. Without much shame or even hesitation, Chanyeol pressed at his own entrance, wincing a little because holy shit was it always this weird feeling?

“What ah …” Yixing looked sheepish about his question, “What are you doing?”

“I have to stretch it out.” Chanyeol sighed, laying his head back and looking up at the ceiling, “Or it’ll hurt.”

Yixing crawled over, “Muscles aren’t meant to move like that.”

Chanyeol picked his head up, ignoring the sensation of fingering himself that sent whispy tingles across his bare skin, “They can move however you want if you’re patient.”

In past experience, Chanyeol was not very patient. Usually he, or the other person ended up paying for it the next day. So he added another finger, burning through the touch of discomfort with ease. Okay so maybe he was Floor Drunk then if that was happening. But it felt good, so it was worth it.

“Can I uhm …?” Yixing swallowed.

“Probe?” Chanyeol laughed, taking his fingers out, and feeling the tightness return in their absence, “You gotta stop asking questions. Not very authentic. Just finger me.”

Yixing reached forward, still hesitant, but intrigued beyond comprehension. His fingers felt amazing against Chanyeol, enough lube still there that he slid in fairly easily, making noises rise from Chanyeol’s lips in the process. That was encouragement enough. Two fingers then, and he curled them.

“Fuck.” Chanyeol rolled a little bit, his hips coming half an inch of the bed, “That’s good, keep going.”

“Is it actually good?” Yixing insisted.

He curled and flexed his fingers again, almost searching for something in a languid, unrushed motion. Now Chanyeol had been many people’s sexuality experiments, but this was a scientific one. They were much better with their techniques.

“Xing-” Chanyeol groaned, pushing down against him as Yixing found that magical spot.

“This is different.” Yixing flexed against it again, watching Chanyeol squirm with a smirk on his face. Yes, smirk. Different from a smile entirely.

“It’s good-don’t stop.” Chanyeol sighed.

And he didn’t. He pressed another finger in, raking them all against the same spot until Chanyeol was panting. His cheeks were flushed and the air was thin by the time Chanyeol realized he had taken his mind off relaxing completely.

“Can you like-” Chanyeol groaned, “Fuck me or something?”

“I’ll try my best to accommodate.” Yixing seemed to be joking and it was a rush of relief in comparison to his earlier timidity, “Talking and all.”

“Go for it.”

Chanyeol held up a hand, making Yixing wait so he could roll onto his stomach, getting on his hands and knees to give Yixing better access. Yixing took his hip in one hand and positioned himself with the other, making sure to test the waters first.

“So we’re probing now, correct?” Yixing said,

“On second thought, you’re not allowed to talk.”

Chanyeol smiled though.

* * *

When Chanyeol woke up, it was long past time for him to have been awake.

Like, _holy fucking shit you’re late for school_ long past time for him to wake up.

Except, he didn’t have to go to school anymore. Nor did he really have a job that would fire him for clocking in late or anything. The chickens are going to be royally pissed off at him, but that he can handle. Maybe Jongin got lucky too, so he’ll be so forgiving as well?

Chanyeol groaned, feeling the weight of oversleeping heavy laden on his shoulders. He wasn’t hungover, but he did feel a bit sore. True to his word, he’s always impatient.

The bed was quiet though, absent of bodies and warmth as well.

He sighed. Yixing didn’t seem like the type to stay still for very long, and in retrospect the whole situation had been a little bit awkward and strange. But it was important, and it alleviated him of some stress. The stress that stemmed from his treatment of Yixing and also maybe a little extra stress on the side.

Oh yeah, that’s why hooking up was so much fun. He vaguely remembers now.

Sitting up, he blinks. He wants to feel a rush to get out of bed but there isn’t any.

And when he gets downstairs, YIxing is nowhere to be seen.

“Dine and Dash?” Jongin laughed later on, stretching his sore muscles as they went about their business hours off schedule.

Chanyeol shrugged.

* * *

At the end of the day he got into his truck and slumped back on the old cloth seats.

It was dumb of him to feel this way. He didn’t want to cry, nor did he feel upset in general. There wasn’t any part of him that felt particularly attached to Yixing, but there was something strange about the whole thing. The idea that it was all a dream crept up in the back of his mind.

No, Jongin remembered him.

His goofy weird cousin from the city?

Chanyeol shook off the thoughts, reaching forward and putting the keys into the ignition. When he turned it, he prayed that it would work. And the engine turned over a couple of times, before a sudden noise started. One his car had never made before.

Like a TV powering on.

Suddenly, the interior was much more blue, the place where his gas meter and speedometer once were replaced with futuristic readouts of the same information plus more. GPS and fuel levels. Everything he could ever want to know, and it seemed to follow his eyes.

Where his car radio once was, lit up a display one that seemed tunable to different frequencies by touch. Radio, sure, but other things. Things in languages he couldn’t read.

And the terrible, awful groan of the engine forcing itself to work was replaced with a purring, whirring, stable sound low in the hood.

“Hello, Chanyeol.” A familiar voice said.

“Freya?” Chanyeol asked.

“No, I’m Freyr. A slightly smaller version of Freya to fit this vehicle.” The voice seemed to lilt much like a person’s, “But I can understand your confusion.”

Chanyeol nodded, in awe. He stuttered out his next words, “Did Yiixing do this?”

Pause.

Then she answered, “Yes.”


End file.
